At 3.53 a m again.

I hoped for 7 hours sleep tonight, so far I had 4. Then I'm awake and a to do list forms constantly in my mind. I am mildly anxious. Not a good state of mind, it's not well being, or Heaven! Oh and it's guilt as well as I have not done some, in fact many, things I should have done. Some are not that important, and if they never get done it will make no difference. Others could change a child's life.
Richard Wilson made a programme about our modern world, its use of technology and how that affects us. He did a section where he was dealing with a Call Centre. Waiting for a person to answer, getting the usual runaround. His heart rate was tested and it rose measurably, indicating stress. I wondered what would happen if this was done to me or other social workers during our working day!
One of the reasons for my anxiety/guilt feelings is that I have supervision today. How much do I say? Do I mention that "case" from November that I simply have not got round to? It is a case with a "shouty" mother, possibly neglect and certainly non cooperation. At least I met the girl on her own doorstep.It's one of those chronic situations with a lot of inertia all round.
I find getting a basic assessment done is one thing. Following through with actions is another. And we now have a new requirement that we have to do chronologies and genograms on any case we want to transfer. In fact we need to know so much about those cases that it amounts to practically a core assessment. Which is what we are transferring it for. It makes me think twice about transferring. This is probably what is intended, as we do only initial assessments allegedly. But if a case (that is a child, of course) needs more help, we have to do more work to be able to access the team that gives the help. Or try to do it ourselves, which means more things to do. Either way it is more work, without more hours in the day, and all the while being told this is normal for intake,you are inadequate if you cannot do it.
Aha, a deep breath, relaxation. Remembering who I AM.  Not this restless mind listing its tasks, condemning itself, fearing judgement. This is a feeling, a state of mind, ego mind. It's wonderful work for someone on a spiritual path, as there is so much that ego can feed on! Many excuses to feel bad, punish myself, and at times have the outer world punish me too!
But through the a different lens, what do I see?  Well, sometimes I glimpse the reality in my clients. Yesterday, there was the woman who wants a  better life for her four sons, and she could easily be judged because of the wider family and the family history. She has created a loving home, and it's a long time since I saw children sitting round a table having a home cooked meal together. Of course this might well be for my benefit but there was a gentleness about these boys which tugged at my heartstrings. I liked, no, loved them all and their brave mother.
 This week I have been so busy seeing people that there has not been time to do the writing up. And I have been trying out a new approach to doing the assessments, which will clarify things but it takes time to get used to it. The fearful thought it "I will never catch up." That is my social work reality, I will never catch up, never have time to do all the things I would love to do, and hardly have time to do the things I must do.
Remember the Reality beyond all this striving and busy-ness, the Reality beyond the parents who let their children down, and the system that creates impossible demands. Rest for a while, in the embrace of Reality where everything is already perfect. Done completely. Imagine that! Nothing to do. Perfect.

I am, O Anxious One. Don't you hear my voice
surging forth with all my earthly feelings?
They yearn so high, that they have sprouted wings
and whitely fly in circles round your face.
My soul, dressed in silence, rises up
and stands alone before you: can't you see?
don't you know that my prayer is growing ripe
upon your vision as upon a tree?

If you are the dreamer, I am what you dream.
But when you want to wake, I am your wish,
and I grow strong with all magnificence
and turn myself into a star's vast silence
above the strange and distant city, Time.

From 'Ahead of All Parting:
The Selected Poetry and Prose of Rainer Maria Rilke'
Edited and Translated by Stephen Mitchell

From a lovely website http://allspirit.co.uk/rilkeiam.html

Awake again...4.22am

Lying in bed....tired but not sleepy. Mind churning. Lists of things to do for work going through my head. This does not feel good. I worked till 8.25pm last night. I left for work at 7.30am to hand deliver a form to a GP surgery before going in to the office to be on Duty. I picked up my second s.47 report in 2 days, on top of 3 or 4 new initial assessments.

What is difficult is planning my time, when there is so much to do. It's obviously important! And without it, I hurtle from one day to the next without any sense of being in charge. But I am not a naturally organized person, a "Born Organized" sort. I like to move at a certain pace, think in a certain way, which is not frenetic.

And this job is frenetic.  One of our colleagues is going to offer a 30 minute workshop on getting Initial Assessments done on time. I was looking forward to it, though it was on a Duty day  so I thought I would probably miss it.....in any case he discovered that he had a clash on his own diary!  As the email informing us all of this put it, he was going dealing with his own time management issue......funny! But not really, as this is a very, very organized person.....what must it be like for the rest of us who aren't quite so?

So I worry about the initial assessments I have not yet started. I know I need to have a process.....robotize the response so that I don't even think about the first steps. One would be to send out a letter within a day of receiving the referral. Don't think to much about the background, just get the basic appointment letter out. Give people 3 or 4 days notice and just get the visit in the diary. The only difficulty with this is when referrers have not told parents as because we work in partnership with parents :-) we need  to start with them being willing for the referral.

......I need to contact the Foreign and Commonwealth Office about this. Sounds grand. And it is potentially interesting. 14 year old girl, shipped out to Angola by Mum, to strangers, apparently. Girl had been doing well in school. Girl not happy in Angola. FCO want us to do an assessment. However, Mum does not know about this. So I suggested there is a need for FCO to contact Mum and break the good news to her. That was Tuesday....now it's Friday and I haven't heard and time is slipping by. I haven't made an appointment with Mum and will have to move fast now to get the assessment done in 10 days. Did I remember to put it in my diary as due? I hope so....

Today our ICS (computerized record system) is being upgraded. So it won't be working from 2.30pm. Oh Joy! I hope the whole thing just goes through a sort of spontaneous combustion and liberates us from the trance of technology. I did social work before ICS  and it has been one of the most ridiculous, time wasting, clumsy and expensive encumbrances to the job.  Yesterday for example I had an assessment ready, pretty much, in Word, and just had to copy and paste it into the boxes. I had almost no more actual writing to do.

I did that little bit of writing. It took me about 1.5 hours to sort out getting the assessment actually into the ICS system and copied to siblings. Click, click, click, click. At least 4 clicks, per dimension,  8 dimensions, then finishing off...another 20 clicks or so. 50 clicks. It is mind numbing. If I just typed it, and put it on to the system with one click, how much time would be saved?

This week I have been on Duty. For the intake team, that's when you're right in the frontline, dealing with all new Child Protection Referrals for the Local Authority.  Starting on Wednesday, we were 3 people plus a manager. I haven't done an actual s.47 for months. One of my fellow Duty Social Workers has never worked in the UK before. And she, like me, was booked in for 2 days of ICS training. Mine was postponed,  but my colleague had to go to do hers.  The third is not actually a fully fledged Social Worker though she has passed her examinations but there are the layers of bureaucracy to go through first, of course.

So effectively I was the only Social Worker available to do Child Protection Enquiries. No pressure there then, for me or my manager!
 
You are meant to write things up, right away nowadays. After the CP enquiry on Wednesday I went home and did a draft write up. I had the energy, and it's reaassuring to know something is in print, for the bit of me that does care about getting things done on time....yes, I do have that bit, and I want to have a job of course.  Yesterday though, the CP enquiry included the girl being with foster carers.

A young Pakistani girl with a boyfriend that Mum does not know about, who is on the phone "all night" and after a row with Mum she has a nosebleed which she says was caused by being hit by Mum. Mum denies hitting her. She says she is keeping her younger sister awake by all the phoning. She does not want her to have a boyfriend until she is 18. It's all fascinating stuff, and it's people's lives, what happens now could change all their lives as Mum is a professional child care worker....Oh and the girl does not like her stepdad, whom Mum adores, and alleges she was raped by the brother of stepdad.

So yesterday I did a visit, to Mum, and heard her side of the story after hearing the girl's side all morning.
I spoke with one of the siblings, and saw all the bedrooms.  I have to speak with all of them, contact schools, contact GP, and it's half term next week. I have to attend an ABE interview (video interview with the police re the alleged rape). There will be no supporting evidence, the suspect is in Sweden....I am going to support the girl. Then we will be returning her home, or at least not offering her further time with fostercarers.

I haven't made notes about the bedrooms, and don't remember who slept where....tut tut. I know they weren't dirty or messy at least but ideally I would have time to make some notes when I came back to the office.

But yesterday 2 IAs were due and I had to submit them. Which was really more important? Well time to think about that girl and her family and discuss the situation in an unpressured way would have been good. And it would be good to have recorded what I did in detail. Here is a list of what I will need to write up..in detail.

The intervew with the girl.
The discussion with TM and police
The second part of the interview, about whether she wants to pursue the allegation against her mother into a complaint.
I sent the girl back to foster carers while we, policwoman and I went to see mother. Police don't want her to go home because of interview re rape.
Mother not in.
I had no telephone number for mum so I called her work.
Mother called me and said she was in.
I did visit to Mum and saw 2 of siblings.
Back to office, it is now about 4pm.
Discussion with TM and another night with foster carers is agreed. 
Referral form to be completed. Gets sent just before 5pm.
Our knuckles are rapped for sending girl back to carers she was with the first night.
I feel thankful that as it is a Police Protection Order, I don't need to complete any more paperwork.
And I feel it was the right thing to send the girl to the same carers, how ridiculous to move her
when it is only going to be one more night. But these are emergency foster carers so they need to
keep the bed available. Etc.

So once that form was sent, I spent 3 hours at work processing the two initial assessments that were due. I phoned one of the mothers involved and had a discussion that should have happened face to face, but I don't have the time for that sort of luxury. I also told another client to complete a form herself, that I should do with her, so that she can get help from the mental health team. All these not so great, but have to get it done, decisions.....I left the office at 8.25pm.

And you know what made my heart sink ever so slightly. I wasn't last to leave. There were at least 4 social workers and 2 managers in the office, likely to work till 10pm. And no one seems to think it is the least bit strange....We have a culture now where it's acceptable to work from 9a m to 10pm...no wonder my colleagues in snatched conversations say they can't cope, it's impossible, it's slavery and it's also dangerous. Where getting an assessment done in time becomes a mini crisis, you lose your perspective on the real world and what is happening out there.

For example, the son of a client was stabbed. I should have phoned, I meant to, but pressure of time, and pressure of deadlines for initial assessments meant that I just didn't. I was so keen to get assessments done, and the checks that they entail, that a simple, caring call did not happen. I'm not happy about that, I hope it's a lesson to me about not getting caught up in the mania to get things done at the price of human compassion.

When I left the office I took a breath, and realized, this is my life. It's happening amidst all this frenetic activity in which I don't connect with myself for hours at a time as I am so busy doing. It was almost a shock to be free again, to think my own thoughts. To feel my feelings. Is it right to be so busy because of a controlling system, that I forget to be aware of this being it, this is life. This is my precious life, and  I choose to enjoy it, no matter what.

I  remember seeing a tree in the morning, on my way from dropping off the letter. It was a tree with a wonderful, vivid red apple. Like an apple in a fairy tale. A moment of beauty which I appreciate.That's why it's worth it to write about my real life in social work. I get to reconnect with who I am.

Rilke is a great source of comfort and inspiration. He knew a thing or two about the relentlessness of the every day challenges we face and I am glad to remember what I believe about life and its ultimate mystery...


My life is not this steeply sloping hour
By Rainer Maria Rilke

My life is not this steeply sloping hour,
in which you see me hurrying.
Much stands behind me; I stand before it like a tree;
I am only one of my many mouths,
and at that, the one that will be still the soonest.

I am the rest between two notes,
which are somehow always in discord
because Death’s note wants to climb over—
but in the dark interval, reconciled,
they stay there trembling.
                    And the song goes on, beautiful.

Three Voices of a Social Worker

First Voice  "How wonderful to have a job helping people...especially helping children have a better life. Wow! I can go into work today and really make a difference to people's lives! Amazing! I'm really excited about that, and can't wait to get on with it. I can be creative, powerful and have a real impact. I can encourage parents who are struggling, challenge parents who are complacent or misguided, and if it's really necessary I can intervene and use the powers that be in local authorities and Courts to ensure that children have every possible chance of wellbeing and a great life. What a wonderful job, I love it, it's inspiring and a real privilege. How blessed am I . I want to learn everything I can about it, and be the best social worker that I can be. "

Second Voice. "It's a job, fairly much like any other. I'm accountable for my work, for the decisions I make, at least accountable to my  team manager. I understand the need to have adequate assessments which don't omit significant facts. I understand the need for them to be done in a timely way so that children aren't exposed to unnecessary suffering. I will do my best to complete initial assessments in timescales and with the best possible outcomes for children. It's a matter of being well organized and business like in how I do things. Having lists of what to do on each case, keeping up to date with recording, being child focussed. Sometimes it's a bit of a challenge but I'm getting there. I can cope if I remember to look after my own wellbeing too, and don't waste any time"

Third Voice.  "This is unbearable. I feel hemmed in and choked by the regulations and the nitpicking bureaucracy of the system. My life is hardly worth living as I scurry around like a rat in a maze trying to find the cheese. I hate working in an open plan office, where the only privacy is when I go to the loo. I am frightened that my team manager will pull my assessments apart, he has so little time to listen and doesn't want to hear me weighing things up, he'll want clarity about my decision and then he'll pick holes..

No one truly cares if children are actually happy and doing OK. It's all about covering your back.What matters is if the parent is not fitting in or complying in some way, the system is out to get them. And if I don't comply I'll be blamed and shamed as not good enough.

I am frightened I won't have the physical stamina. I resent having to see all children  alone and having no say as to whether that is necessary.  It means we  have to do the bulk of  visits after 3.30 and  7 or later.And we may not get the time back in time off, so our days can be from 9 am to 7 or 8pm. I am furious not to have control of my life, my time, to be owned by the system.!

I am being punished for something I have done, or not done, some failure of faith or courage. The penalty is to be living in an endless Kafkaesque nightmare. Social Work is a profession of slaves who are commanded and controlled by the system and in turn they do this to others.

The worst thing is that I am wasting my life. I could be doing something else, I should be doing something else with my life. My gifts, talents, passion, past experience and training are completely wasted doing this soulless social work. I hate myself for going along with it and the worst thing is I haven't the gumption to get out of it. There is no escape.I feel numb and despairing."

These are the three main voices in my head when I think about Social Work and my current job. I hear all of them at times. What a conflict! Which is the truth?  I don't know how to reconcile them, or if it's possible. The weird thing is that they are all valid!  I was tuned into the first voice some of the time this week,  then the busyness starts,and the second voice kicks in...By the end of Friday, the third voice was definitely the strongest. The busier I get the louder the third voice becomes and the less energy I have for the job. Is this only me, or is it true of anyone else? And is there another voice, which has something new to say? I hope so, let's see!